Fun Evil Character Bashing
by Chibirya
Summary: It's horribly bad, but I think it's funny. (Shonen ai humor)(spoilers!)


I hafta to say a couple of things first, if someone actually clicks on this. First thing this story is chock full of horrible gay jokes. (What else can ya make fun of in Vagrant Story? ^^;;) Anyway I hope it's funny for someone other than me.

  


Fun Evil Character Bashing   
(Yes character bashing is a art form.)   
The cathedral sat in the midst of broken homes in Lea Monde. There was an eerie silence, as thick as the smell of ancient death that permeated the city. Sunlight shone through the city giving the battered stone walls a golden color. Even now the crumbling city was still beautiful, a melancholy beauty reflecting the sorrow of its lost glory. The sunlight however could not clearly illuminate this, because the truth and reality could only be found within the deep tunnels. Where light could no longer be felt, where the Dark dwells in its most potent power.   
The truth that Ashley Riot sought so desperately for within the Dark, was still so beyond his grasp. And now he stood in the light shining through stained glass windows, splashing color in the dreary atmosphere. The inside of the church was practically undisturbed, as if it were in use, little dust actually existed. Despite the reality that the city had been devoid of life for hundreds of years.   
The only focus of Ashley's cold blue eyes was a slight figure sitting sedately on a sill of a window. The glass had been broken recently; multicolored pieces scattered upon the floor. The figure was a slender young man dressed in a bizarre and scanty fashion. His only garments were black leather pants and a long similarly colored cape that hung from his pants. He held a sword in one of two metal claws that were once his arms. The other hand idly played with a piece of glass before dropping it to the floor. Multicolored glass that glittered like jewels, broke upon the hard stone floor.   
"Sydney Losstarot." Ashley growled softly in greeting gazing up at the sorceror. He took strides to the windowsill, sandaled feet gliding soundlessly on the floor. At the sound of his name Sydney turned to the knight with a amused smirk, blonde hair shadowing his pale face.   
"I want answers. I'm sick of the games you play." Riot continued drawing his own sword from its sheath.   
"The truth? Which do you prefer to content your suffering soul?" The sorceror said tapping metal fingers on the sill, his motion screaming with his boredom.   
The sword in Ashley's hand trembled from fury and he did bother to keep the poison from his words. "You once told me that I was the predator and you the prey. However it seems that I am merely the pawn in whatever twisted game you play. And if I don't the truth of your intentions it will end here and now."   
"Threats bore me knight, however I will humor you since you asked so nicely. And if I may ask a question." Ashley's eyes widened in surprise and he stiffened, however after a moment he nodded his assent.   
"Just what the hell happened to your shorts?" Ashley craned his neck to look at his backside and sure enough, two identical holes were slashed on his rear. (Side Note: No I am not lying. Video-games are evil.) "Dammit! And I just sewed them too!" Ashley's glare returned to see Sydney shaking with laughter.   
"You bastard! Why the heck do your zombies keep ripping the seat of my pants?" Sydney's laughing face immediately turned to a scowl at the knight's words.   
"What are you insinuating? I dislike that tone of voice…" Sydney snarled with gray eyes narrowing in anger.   
"Fag!" Ashley screamed covering his bare rear. "It certainly explains a lot! A clear sign is that stupid dress you're wearing!"   
"That is not a dress!" Sydney replied indignantly and then tried to explain what it really was. "Uh…it's…"   
"Then it's a butt-cape!" Riot said pointing an accusative finger at the slight man.   
"At least I'm not displaying my butt to the whole damn world! Quit blaming your freaking problems on me!"   
"What kind of man wears a butt-cape huh? I'll tell you: a fag! And a faggot that has his zombies ripping open my shorts is a big problem!" Ashley countered shaking his fist.   
"Hah! You're the one that keeps following me around! Besides the way you walk around, like a cheap street harlot, of course the zombies are going to think you're a good target!" Sydney said with a smirk.   
"Oh yeah! Why don't you put on some damn clothes? You look like a bigger bimbo then I do!"   
Sydney recoiled with a hiss and teary eyes. "That's not my fault! It's the only clothing I have left. I'd like to see you button pants and put on shirts with claws."   
"Granted." Ashley said with a shrug of broad shoulders. "However you've had Merlose Callo in your clutches since this venture began. And you haven't made a move on her even once!"   
The sorcerer folded metal arms around his chest and snorted. "I have been busy idiot. You think I have time to play with the Cardinal's high class harlots with stupid knights chasing after me?"   
"What are you talking about? You came to me first! And what about that fight with that moron Grissom? Where the hell were you? Standing aside and staring at my conveniently ripped shorts probably!"   
The sorcerer's face contorted into a snarl as he replied. "I was healing you! Casting protection spells fool!"   
"Casting on yourself you mean!" Finally it was Ashley's turn to smirk.   
"Shut up! I let you keep all the stuff you found on the corpse!" Sydney replied, his gray eyes blazing.   
"Oh that really makes up for you staring at my butt! What do I look like a cheap prostitute?" Ashley countered heatedly and Sydney merely nodded coolly. Before Ashley could retaliate the door of the cathedral was thrown open.   
There stood a very evil looking Romeo Guildenstern, before speaking he bowed politely. "Excuse me but would you faggots shut the hell up? I have to cut off Sydney's tattoo for my sick fun and I don't need your insipid bitching while I do it!"   
As the arrogant man strode up to them both Ashley and Sydney froze. As they exchanged looks, a most evil smirk appeared on both faces simultaneously and their eyes glowed scarily red that did not come from excessive drug use.   
"What kind of man has the name Romeo…."   
"He has to be gay, he killed his own girlfriend…"   
"Sick bastard wants to carve me up…"   
"He's wearing a dress."   
The idiot (Side Note: Well yeah who walks in on a love spat huh? An idiot that's who.) stopped in his tracks as the pair turns to him. Ashley had a huge hammer in his hands that came from none other than the video-game gods who allow a little guy to hold eight to ten weapons at a time. With Sydney right behind air crackling with the power of something other than a protection spell.   
The usual silence of Lea Monde is soon broken frightfully with the sound of agonized screams and maniacal laughter. Including a scream from Ashley Riot: "Dammit Sydney! Quit staring at my butt!" Minutes of this pass with the unusual sound blasting throughout and then silence once more, however this is not to last. A body is thrown out one of the cathedral windows and cries for a 'mommy' and scampering feet is heard.   
Two pleased and smug men viewed the scene of Romeo's fleeing with sadistic glee from the broken window. "I didn't think you had it in you Mr. Justice." Sydney said wiping the blood from his sword on what remained of Romeo's skirt. Ashley snatched away the cloth when Sydney was done and cleaned his own dirty weapon without a reply.   
"Come now." Sydney pouted leaning on the other man. "It was fun."   
"Just because I agreed to beat the life out of Guildenstern and Grissom together doesn't mean we are a item." Ashley said pushing Sydney away.   
"All right." Sydney agreed. "But I do think I can have Hardin baby-sit Joshua and Merlose tonight. Let's go play a new game."   
The knight eyed the slight sorceror warily. "What game?"   
Sydney laughed sheathing his sword. "Why cat and mouse of course. This time little Romeo will be the prey and we the predators."   
"All right." Ashley agreed. "But you better not stare…."   
And for those who are sick of the butt joke Sydney interrupted with a sarcastic reply. "Yes yes of course dear."   
As the sun waned in the skies of desolate Lea Monde, joyous and sadistic shouting fills the air. Along with gut wrenching screams, but let us not dwell on such things. Instead the joy of two gay men beating up on a poor defenseless toad who has incurred the wrath of the fickle author. The vengeful author who dislikes guys that try to carve tattoos off people's backs.

The End   
Review? Please pretty please? ^_^ 

  
  



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